The Top Ten Real Gadgets Every Evil Genius Should Have [Top Ten List of Gadgets That Every Supervillain Should Have, From Lasers to Lair. iPhone Included.]

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If you’ve been keeping an eye on the movie listings coming up, you know that Despicable Me will be hitting theaters in a matter of days, and a big part of that is a topic near and dear to our hearts–gadgetry. Every evil genius needs a load of quality hardware, and as such, we’ve got a list of the top ten things that every evil genius should have on hand. The best part? These products actually exist. No sharks with laser beams on their heads here–all of this is actual stuff you can get your hands on today.

10. The Spyder III Hand Laser. George Lucas hates this thing. Actual scientists are terrified by it. It’s missing several key safety features and could blind a human being–permanently–from several feet away. But for the evil genius out there, nothing says “doom” quite like a Class IV laser for under three hundred dollars. Burn matches at both ends! Set trash on fire from across the room! It’s all possible now.

9. A copy of Electronic Gadgets for the Evil Genius. Currently available on ThinkGeek, this book gives you access to a whole host of projects that can help any evil genius in the making–a body heat detector, a lightning bolt generator, and plenty of others are available.

8. Craigslist. If you’re going to be an evil genius, you’re going to need minions. Fortunately for the evil geniuses out there, unemployment is at an all time high, thus the pool of folks available to carry out your schemes is higher than ever, if you’re willing to pay for it. Plus it’s also a great place to find old electronics you can scrap out to build your diabolical hardware. But for the cash-strapped (or non-people-person) out there, you might want to consider number 7 instead.

7. A copy of 123 PIC Microcontroller Experiments For the Evil Genius. See? Says so right in the title. But if you’re a little cash-poor, and you don’t want to kick off your evil genius career solo, you’ll need minions that need no sleep or food or pay hikes. You’ll need robots, and this book is a good place to start learning how to build and assemble your own, with a host of step-by-step instructions.

6. A Tron lightcycle. There are only five of these ever produced, but between the Tron Lightcycle (which we talked about earlier this week)’s mix of neon accents, two-wheeled high acceleration and sheer recognizability, nothing says “getaway vehicle” quite like the thing that looks like a streak of light in the night.

5. A giant LCD monitor. It both impresses anyone who sees it in your lair and allows you to see the fear in the eyes of the world leaders you contact on it. Sharp happens to offer a massive LCD monitor that weighs in at 108 inches, and that’s more than big enough to see the terror you inflict on anyone by dint of your mere existence.

4. A case of Ammo. No, not for your weapons! Ammo happens to rank number one in the world in terms of caffeine levels. By comparison, Red Bull boasts 33 milligrams of caffeine per 100 milliliters. Ammo, meanwhile, puts up 570, or nearly twenty times that. Imagine drinking twenty Red Bulls in rapid succession. Now imagine the havoc you can wreak. You’re welcome.

3. Blue Waters. It’s not a toilet cleaning solution, but rather, a highly advanced supercomputer that operates on a scale of billions of operations per second. And the best part? As of April, it was currently located in Iowa. You’ll need that kind of processing speed to automate your lair, keep track of your minions, and of course, get that amazing transmission speed for your ransom demands when you hold the world hostage to your newest device.

2. An iPhone. What, you didn’t think this was going to be just wild and esoteric devices, did you? No! Every good evil genius needs rapid communications with loads of applications, and the iPhone goes a long way toward being the electronic / communications “Swiss army knife” that every good evil genius needs! Plus, considering the way Apple’s been working lately, you’ll be able to learn a thing or two about evil as you tell people who just waited days on line for your product that they should just hold it differently and that’ll fix the problems.

1. A proper lair. Look, you can’t be an evil genius operating out of your mom’s basement or a two-bedroom split-level in the suburbs. It just doesn’t work. But for sheer panache, not to mention incredible security, take a gander at this little beauty–an old United States missile base. For instance, down in Pulaski, Indiana, there’s an old communications center that’s been specifically hardened against nuclear war. It comes on 5.5 acres of ground, with both above and below ground buildings, electric hoist, AND a diesel generator. Plus, it’s yours for just $275,000…unless you just take it over now, seeing that it’s up for sale.

And with these devices in mind, you too will be well on your way toward absolute evil genius dominance. Despicable Me, meanwhile, hits theaters July 9th.

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