The Ultimate Electronic Carol Singers Deterrent

The time is rapidly approaching when gangs of children will descend on your doorstep to deliver excruciatingly poor abstractions of well known festive songs and will point blank refuse to shut up until you pay them off. And, whilst I would like to say that we here at TFTS Towers are above having money extorted from us from those employing such means, we must sadly report that we have indeed parted with money to send them packing.

Don’t get me wrong here, these are not your traditional Carol Singers I’m talking about, but a group of battle-hardened twenty-something misfits invariably attired in ill-fitting shell suits and with bulges in their trousers – which are either concealed weapons or a curious physical manifestation of their seasonal good cheer.

I jest, of course, as things are not quite that bad, but there are times when their renditions of carols are so bad that I’d really like to inflict the same level of pain on them as they seem so keen to inflict on me. And now, thanks to Hammacher Schlemmer, we have a new weapon in our arsenal – a weapon of torture so powerful that even the the CIA’s crack interrogation team decided to hand it back untested.

Yes, even the kids who chew gum might think twice before knocking on our door as we have the ultimate deterrent, the Christmas Carol Outdoor Light and Sound Show device, and we’re not afraid to use it.

Okay, I must confess that I got a bit carried away in the above text as we don’t actually own this device and, even if we did, we would like to think that we are not as inhumane as to resort to powering it up in a built up area.

And, quite why anyone would want to purchase one of these wholly eludes me, but perhaps amongst the TFTS readership there could, theoretically, be a single, solitary individual who might actually want one of these – and, for the sake of argument, let’s call him Clive.

Firstly, Clive will be enthralled to know that this completely weather proof electronic device is actually capable of rendering a total of 20 different Christmas carols which are separated into two banks of styles – namely traditional carols and modern holiday tunes. (I can already see that Clive is rather excited by this).

Not only that, but as this device blurts out these carols in either a random or programmed order (steady on there Clive) it will accompany the music with a light show that is perfectly synchronized to the music – producing what the product web page refers to as “a flashing kaleidoscopic choreography of illumination and sound.”

Clive? Are you still there?

The Christmas Carol Outdoor Light and Sound Show device costs $129.95 and can be obtained from Hammacher Schlemmer’s site via this link.

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