Our Household at War

Sometimes between a man and his wife (or the Wife and her man) there is nothing else for it but to settle disputes, minor or otherwise, by amassing a colossal army and declaring war.

Well, that’s what happens in our house these days, as, with the aid of a home network, we have taken to firing up Cossacks – a real-time battle strategy game – to settle any differences. Unfortunately, as last night’s debacle aptly underlined, the idea of settling any differences via an act of all out war has transpired not to be in my best interests.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, primarily because a) it was my wife’s idea (thus I was absolved of all responsibility if it didn’t work out) and b) I consider myself to be a reasonable player, though before last night I hadn’t played it for over a year. That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.

Last night’s battle centred around the washing up (ah, washing up, already a reliable source of conflict). To say that it had mounted up a bit is about as much of an understatement as saying that Mount Everest is a slight kink in the landscape. The victor, then, had their work cut out for them, and, with conviction and courage we fired up each of our machines and began to build our armies.

Peace time lasted an hour and, to be frank, as far as I was concerned I had nothing to worry about. With a classic pincer movement ready to be put into action after a mini foray into my wife’s territory (just to soften her up, you understand) I watched the final minute of agreed peace time pass with images of my wife slaving over the mountain of washing up etched in my mind. The battle would be brief – this was to be an enactment of Shock and Awe of the pixelated battlefield variety.

Peace time passed. War was declared, with the inevitable taunts being touted across the landing between rooms. In I went. Three hundred and fifty horsemen acted as the decoy and, to my surprise (at least initially) Sam (the wife) fell for my rouse completely.

One of my chaps during happier times.

Or, at least, that’s the impression I had. This, though, was quickly dispelled.

What I hadn’t counted on is the fact that, in an act that I frankly think was rather underhanded, Sam had strategically placed a number of multi-barrelled cannons in just about every clump of trees between my territory (which looked magnificent by the way) and hers. This annoyed me a little, for two main reasons. The first reason is that, with a series of rippled fire from some otherwise innocuous looking trees, all my horsemen – which I had placed in tight formation just to look cool (a big mistake on reflection) – fell to the ground and, alas, were no more. It was like watching dominos fall in fast forward. The second reason this annoyed me was that I suddenly came to the realisation that not only have I forgotten just now lethal these multi-barrelled cannons were, but I had also forgotten to produce any of the aforementioned cannons myself.

The gravity of the situation didn’t hit me at that particular juncture, however. It was not until I scrolled up the battle field that I noticed that one half of my brilliantly planned pincer movement had also fallen fowl of such underhanded cannon placement. I mean, who leaves cannons in trees, unguarded? What sort of strategy is this?

It is a strategy that works. My pincer movement became a half-hearted full frontal assault that I thought looked reasonably impressive until I realised that actually I had fallen for an elaborate hoax in that a guarded pincer movement on one’s opponent was obviously an idea that had not just occurred to me.

Whilst I understand that the statistics shown by the game subsequent to an unmitigated defeat within minutes are interesting it surprised me just how interested Sam was in the full facts and figures concerning my downfall.

Happily we have a fairly good brand of washing up liquid in the house and, though we were running a little low, Sam was kind enough to point out that we had a backup supply in the cupboard – which was nice of her.

Like any well lived husbands, I will know my place from now onwards. But, first, I must cause another slight disruption in the house tonight.

Nothing major. Just enough to declare another war.

Just enough to show her that she is not the only one who can play dirty.

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